Unofficial Heroes NBC Forum and Message Boards

DestinedForGreatness · Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 2:45 pm Post subject:

You never see escalators out of service. They just temporarily become stairs.

Zonedancer · Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 10:08 pm Post subject:

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

"A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'"

"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

"I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

"I was reading the dictionary the other day. I thought it was a poem about everything."

"I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it."

"Yeah, it's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it!"

"I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's *always* room temperature."

"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths."

"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments."

"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."

"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot."

"We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually."

"When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?"

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

Steven Wright

DestinedForGreatness · Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 2:26 am Post subject:

I was gonna get my teeth whitened, but then I said "forget that, I'll just get a tan instead".

BYD · Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 4:55 am Post subject:

I think my dental hygenist is really attractive...so I ate an entire box of Oreo cookies right before my appointment...they had to cancel all the rest of the appointments that day.

Steven Wright

Jormengrund · Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 12:55 pm Post subject:

"That's all I can stands.. I can't stands no more!!" *pipe whistles*

- Popeye

DestinedForGreatness · Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 1:14 pm Post subject:

I ate a club sandwich once, but I wasn't a member.

BYD · Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 4:00 pm Post subject:

A flute with no holes is not a flute and a donut with no hole is a danish.

Ty Webb, Caddyshack

Jormengrund · Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 6:24 pm Post subject:

"It's worse than that, it's Physics Jim!"

- Freddie's Fab Five, "Star Trekkin", Doctor Demento's Demented Hits!

DestinedForGreatness · Posted: Thu Aug 30, 2007 7:39 pm Post subject:

I own a king size bed. I don't know any kings, but I'm sure if I did, they'd be very comfortable.

(All the one-liners I'm using are from the comedic stylings of Mitch Hedberg R.I.P.)

Jormengrund · Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 1:15 pm Post subject:

"Great Spirits often encounter violent opposition from mediocre minds"

Albert Einstein

BYD · Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:30 pm Post subject:

Sometimes, you just have to say "what the heck?"..make your move.

Joel's dad, Risky Business

Jormengrund · Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:18 pm Post subject:

"You know, I used to wonder about what other folks would wonder about. However, that got me wondering if what they were wondering about was worth wondering over. That then got me wondering if wondering was a bit too much wondering for one day...

I finally decided to put down my wife's diary, and get some Alka-Seltzer"

- Victor Borge

BYD · Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 1:51 am Post subject:

One day I accidentally put my car keys in the door to my house....and it started up.....so I took it around the block.

Steven Wright

DestinedForGreatness · Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 4:00 pm Post subject:

Last night I laid in my twin bed and wondered where my brother was.

BYD · Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 7:43 pm Post subject:

Why is it that you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?

Steven Wright