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BYD · Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 6:06 pm Post subject: Is the chili HOT? ---funny story

THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILI CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down

your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the

first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They

actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town.
It

takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was

visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off.

The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing

there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck,

when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native

Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they
told me I

could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer

when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill my nose feels

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get

me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from

all of the beer.

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,

was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. wench is

starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is

chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,

adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and

I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me

needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that

her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from

bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if

I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges

asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

garlic. Superb.

Judge #3-- I lost control of my bodily functions when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

wench Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips

anymore. I need to wipe my buttock with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried

about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like fecal matter to

match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed

me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not

getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through

the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too

bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when

Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not

sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot chili?

PlutoniumBoss

BYD · Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 8:19 pm Post subject:

That comment was written by the person who sent it to me. Just thought others would get a kick out of it.

captaincolby · Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 8:38 pm Post subject:

Ahh. love Texas. I personally like a nice beef chili with a little bean (rather than the other way around) that has a nice kick to it. What's great is I have a friend and his spaghetti sauce is spicer than most chili outside of texas. Its main ingredient is jalapenos. 5 of them, and he uses all of capasaican filled seeds and veins. That stuff is good.

rubybeetle · Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 4:32 pm Post subject:

What a cute story. I made me wonder if the chili in Texas is hotter than the chili in Mexico. Anyone know?

tater03 · Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 5:28 pm Post subject:

I really don't know if the chili in Texas is acutally hotter but I can tell you my husband's grandfather makes some awfully HOT, HOT chili. I know I am still feeling the effects two day later in my stomach. As for the joke I actually thought it was pretty good. Thanks

The_Blob · Posted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 5:37 pm Post subject:

I have a hard-copy of this joke in my Dad's "joke-drawer" that is literally older than me. Still funny tho.